Kick-start your conversational skills!

Try to imagine a situation that I’m about to tell you.

You’ve been invited to a party this coming Saturday by a friend at work. It's just a detox party with some nice music, great ambience, drinks and a lot of people you don’t know at all! Sounds fun, right? Who wouldn’t want a nice little break from the regular 9-5 job?

It no longer sounds fun to you though, because the moment the words ‘a lot of people’ enters your eardrums, you become extremely uncomfortable. After all, who would want to socialise with a bunch of people you’ve never met, am I right?

Take a step back for a moment and ask yourself though, why exactly do you feel uncomfortable over a simple gathering?

If you ask me, I’d wager that you find it difficult to hold a conversation with other people. But, don’t you go fretting over it now, if this is indeed the case. This isn’t some incurable disease that has taken its roots to the deepest parts of your being. It is completely normal to feel a bit of hesitation and nervousness when talking to people.

In fact, you don’t need to worry anymore at all, my dear worrywart, for I have come with the perfect pointers to this teeny, tiny problem that you are currently facing.

Striking a conversation with other people:

A conversation can be quite easy to start with the help of certain techniques, both verbal and non-verbal, which you can adopt anytime, anywhere. I did all the work for you, by finding out and researching about the techniques which will help you become a master at striking conversations with almost anyone. Here they are:

• Keeping the conversation safe and comfortable: By keeping the conversations safe and comfortable, what I mean is that one should not talk about stuff that can make the person you’re having a conversation with uncomfortable. Certain topics like, family, love life (these 2 in case of meeting someone for the first time or when at work), politics, religion should be completely avoided as every person carries different view-points and perspectives relating to such topics. So, setting up some common ground for further conversation may not be possible. That’s not to say that you cannot discuss them at all though. In my opinion, having conversations and discussions on the aforementioned topics should be restricted from people that you feel you aren’t close enough with. Another thing to keep in mind is to keep small talk small. DO NOT extend a conversation unnecessarily as it may lead to an awkward situation between you and the person you’re talking to.
• Mind your gut feeling: I can say, without a shadow of doubt, that one should always trust his or her gut feeling. It is that immediate feeling that you get, without any influence, facts or opinions from someone else, about a certain situation. It is, in reality, your inner instincts, feeding information to your subconscious self. Trusting your gut feeling is extremely important in life. It can save a person from a lot of unhealthy situations and help make certain decisions. In our lives, we will face a lot of people with different personalities, ideas and opinions. Many of them will almost always carry good intentions for you, but you will encounter many more with ill intentions as well. Your gut feeling will play a huge role then, to help you determine what’s right for you and what isn’t.
• Pay attention to body language: A conversation is not just a simple exchange of words. Body language is something one should pay equal attention to as well. One may not notice it but the way we stand, the gestures we use, the facial expressions we are making, contribute a lot to a conversation. It should be noted that body language is a non-verbal conversation technique that complements the regular verbal techniques of conversing.

Why are strangers more likely to comfort you?

Considering how one may find being surrounded by people they don’t know at all discomforting, a question may arise, that is, why does one feel more comfortable confiding in with the same people?

There are certain things due to which this happens. Firstly, you can speak about almost anything with a stranger without hesitation, as you couldn’t care less about being judged by them. This contrasts with family and friends, who may judge you for what you speak. Strangers will always take things at the face value, meaning, whatever you’ll tell them, they won’t try to delve too deep into stuff or try to read between the lines.

Another factor that contributes to this is the fact the you will not face any repercussions when confiding in with a stranger. Neither are they friends of yours, nor are they related to you by blood. So, there is no risk of, let’s say, falling out of friendship, or your trust being broken. If they hate us for what we’ve done, it doesn’t affect us at all, because their opinion will rarely mean anything to us.

Why is communication so important for leaders?

In case you didn’t know already, communication is actually one of the most important functions performed when directing or leading people. After all, it is one of the core functions of leadership. If you’re good at having conversations with other people and have no issues communicating your thoughts, then trust me, you’ll be a great leader too. But in case that’s not the case, here’s some things that all good leaders keep in mind when communicating their thought:

• Preparing in advance, what to communicate: All good leaders prepare what they wish to communicate in advance with 3 things in mind, that is, what the goal of communication is, what the reaction of the receiver will be, and what to do in case the reaction is unfavorable. Communicating what we wish to communicate becomes easier in general, day to day affairs  too, if we keep the aforementioned things in focus.
• When Delivering the message: A leader should present himself/herself confidently and speak with conviction, while at the same time making sure not to look down on his/her followers or subordinates. Things such as what action to be taken, what the goal of the team is should be properly explained.
• Being Authentic: Being honest, firstly to themselves and then to their teams is one of the most looked after qualities in leaders.  They should not present their message with lies, as it is harmful to both them and their team.
• Illustration through stories: If a leader presents his thoughts and ideas through stories and by sharing life experiences, it becomes much easier to get a favorable reaction from his team, while at the same time, it helps to strengthen his own ideology.

The FORD method:

In case you still find engaging in a conversation difficult with a person, I got you a pretty straightforward solution to it, it being the FORD method. And no, I’m not talking about the motor company. 

So FORD method involves the use of 4 conversations starters that can be used almost on any occasion, whether it be a party or a professional meet. This method is a great way to start a conversation with someone and keep it going. So what are the four conversation starters, you may ask? They are:

• Family: One doesn’t need to be extra creative when using this starter. Simple questions such as “How is your family?” or “How is your dad doing these days?” are a great way to engage in a conversation. However do keep in mind not to ask personal questions. Those can ruin the mood of a conversation and cause awkwardness.
• Occupation: This involves all the work-related questions. Again, questions like “What is your line of work?”
• or “How is business going these days?” can work wonders. Do remember not to disrespect one’s line of work in any way, or look down on them.
• Recreation: This starter covers all hobby-related stuff. It involves usage of questions such as “What do you do on weekends?” or  “How do you spend your free time?” to start a conversation.
• Dreams: With this starter, a ton of creativity can be utilised to start a conversation. If I were to give an example, it would be “Where do you see yourself 20 years from now” or perhaps “If there was a place you could visit, where would it be?”

Becoming a skillful communicator:

So, in case all of this confused you let me summarise it to the best of my abilities:

• Do not discuss sensitive or uncomfortable topics too much.
• Pay attention to nonverbal forms of communication.
• Keep small talk small.
• If you want to practice, try confiding in with strangers!
• Pay attention regarding when to move on to a new topic or present another idea.
• Like any great leader, prepare your message in advance, be confident when presenting your ideas and always remember to be honest to yourself and everyone else around you.
• In case, you still have difficulty in starting a conversation, remember the FORD method’s conversation starters, which are, F for family, O for occupation, R for recreation and D for dreams.

I’ve only presented the points on how to be a skillful communicator, my friend, but it is still up to you on how you will implement them in your daily life. It will require time and efforts, but I believe you’ll pull through. Now, whenever a friend of yours invites you to a party, go have a blast! Till then, have a good one!

- Akshit Dangi